


Women and Stuff

by orphan_account



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-18
Updated: 2007-04-18
Packaged: 2017-11-15 00:19:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/521045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shikamaru should never be allowed to discuss women with anyone, especially Gaara</p>
            </blockquote>





	Women and Stuff

Shikamaru knew that coming to Suna to _'bond'_ with his soon-to-be in-laws was going to be troublesome, but this was just plain ridiculous!

First off, he could instantly think of about two hundred things he'd rather be doing than crawling through the desert like a parched rat, and at least half of them pertained to sleeping and lying around while watching the clouds, his two favorite things.

There were about a thousand things he'd rather be doing than having his teammates (he just couldn't go alone, damn Tsunade) and Naruto (who just had to see Gaara, damn it all) tag along for the trip to Suna. Ino was curious as to just how attractive the Kazekage had become (though he supposed that would bar the pissing and moaning about Sasuke not being in Konoha, so it was all good.) Chouji had run out of potato chips, having consumed all of them the first day of the trip and was now complaining about it. Geez.

Naruto was by far the worst, though. He talked, and talked, and talked, and then, he talked some more. The word "Sasuke" flew from his lips an average of... well, Shikamaru didn't exactly know because he cut off his listening ears entirely for most of the trip, and was almost too happy to find that the sky-high cliffs of Suna weren't a mirage (this time). To make things better, the sun was finally setting and the temperature was going down. Score! They wouldn't mind if he headed straight to bed, then. He would have kissed the ground, but then he would have gotten sand in his mouth, and that would have been nasty.

That horrible, violent woman he happened to be head-over-heels in love with was standing at the entrance, hands on her hips and tapping her foot as if she'd been waiting there forever. Considering the people Shikamaru had spent the last few days traveling with, he thought he made damn good time, as if the throbbing in his overworked, overcooked feet weren't indication enough. And that smile on her face told him that she expected him to run up to her, scoop her into his arms, and kiss her as if their lives depended on it. That woman was about as subtle as a dying cat.

However, he continued toward her at a normal pace (or, normal for him, which was slow, easy, and casual) which grated her nerves a bit. Feh, patience is a virtue, woman.

"Get your ass over here already, slowpoke!" she finally demanded. Kankuro stood behind her snickering and adding deleterious comments about her _'oh-so romantic fiance'_ , which eventually lead to her having an all around hissy fit. That woman needed to learn to control her temper.

Of course, Shikamaru often reminded himself, he could have always fallen for someone more mild-mannered and quiet, such as the Hyuuga girl back in Konoha, but nooo. Apparently falling for loud, bitchy, self-righteous women was hereditary for men of the Nara Clan. He had committed himself to a lifetime of Hell with with a woman who made normal people piss themselves with one swing of her over-sized fan. He might as well get used to it.

It could have always been Ino, he thought, as she drooled over the Kazekage, who could barely be seen within the canyon's shadows. Great. This former, bloodthirsty freak would be his brother-in-law soon enough. Wouldn't everyone just get a kick out of that? Temari actually expected him to bond with this little demon, too. What the hell? Ugggh.

"Ano-" said Chouji, addressing Kankuro before Temari could land another punch square in his face. "-do you know a good place where I could get some food? I'm starving." His face was a picture of death and despair. He needed to recharge quickly before it was too late. _"Staaaarving."_ Now with fists full of Kankuro's way-too-black-for-the-damn-desert, uh, cat suit?, Chouji shook the elder Jounin until his eyes were spinning and drool was trickling from his purple mouth. Then he dropped Kankuro, who went _'fump'_ when he hit the sandy ground. Somehow, it didn't seem like hitting the sand was supposed to hurt, but it sure sounded painful there.

"Umm... sure," said Kankuro, clutching his dizzy head as he lead the disgruntled Chouji into the village. Not ten seconds went by until a scream and a crash off in the distance could be heard. For some, this meant war. For Team 10, this meant someone dared to insinuate that Chouji was F-A-T husky.

Everyone's heads cocked to the left, thus appeared the sweat drops OF DOOM.

Ino chose this moment to fangirl at the top of her lungs, and the sweat drops OF DOOM increased exponentially. What a pain. Soon they'd all be drowning in WTF drops. Then again, Suna could use a bit more moisture.

Anyway, back to the fangirling Ino.

"Kazekage-sama!" she squealed, waving and running up to Gaara. He didn't so much as blink before she wrapped her arms around one of his. Take the psychotic, murderous monster out of the Gaara, and damn did he become a babe magnet! Poor guy. Ino had stars in her eyes. She must have been in love. Che. "Why don't you give a pretty girl like me a little tour of the village. I would love to get to know y-this place a bit better." She winked to add to the affect, but was slightly put off when all Gaara did was nod and head in through the gates with her still attached. Shikamaru could almost hear her thoughts. _That's it? No blush? No charming words of endearment? Not even a damned smile? He... he must be playing hard to get!_

Tch, whatever kept her occupied.

"Oy, Gaara! Don't let that girl corrupt you. She's pure evil," shouted Naruto, chasing in after them. She and Naruto had a meaningless argument that could probably be heard all the way back in Konoha. Lovely. If Gaara had even a trace of that evil, demonic mindset left in him, Shikamaru and Chouji would undoubtedly be carrying two dead bodies back to Konoha on their shoulders.

In any case, with the exception of the guards-who seemed more preoccupied with the chaos that was now happening inside the village-Temari and Shikamaru were now standing alone. The wind whistled. A tumbleweed rolled by.

Suddenly, a vein popped on Temari's forehead, and she punched Shikamaru as hard as she could. He flew a good thirty or forty feet away, landing just an arm's length shy of a cactus. Well, it's a good thing her hardest just wasn't hard enough.

Then again, he spent all morning shaking as much sand as possible out of his mesh shirt. What'd she have to go and ruin it for?

It was about then an ominous, shell-shaped shadow loomed right over his head. Great, now he was going to die for an offense he didn't remember committing. Oh, yeah, right, not hurrying to the gate when she told him to. She could have just said, _'com'ere and kiss me'_ and Shikamaru may have been quicker to approach. Maybe. He couldn't remember if he was in a kissing kind of mood at the time.

Temari hopped off her fan and closed it. Even with it closed, she was still bloody frightening, tapping her fingers impatiently against her hip, and glaring at him as if he'd just made her little brother cry.

Actually, she might find that funny, especially if it were Kankuro. So he failed at analogies on the brink of death, okay?

"Come on, Temari. Be reasonable. I trekked along in the hot desert for three stupid days just to get here and see you. My feet hurt and I'm tired. I'll hug and kiss you as much as you want, in front of as many people as you want, after I have a shower and a na-"

"You are such an idiot!" Temari snapped. "All you do is whine and bitch about everything. _'Oh, this is too troublesome' 'Oh, I'm tired' 'Women this-that-blah-blah-blah'._ Just shut up and give the girl you love a fucking kiss already!"

"You could say 'please'," Shikamaru suggested while digging into his ear with his pinky. She was so loud. Any further stalling would only make her louder, though, and he was really tired.

If a kiss shut her up, then a kiss she would get.

\---

"Oooooh, that Gaara is the most insensitive, nerve-wracking, vile, two-faced JERK I have ever met! I'm going to _KILL HIM!_ " bellowed Ino, flopping down onto her bed with a disgruntled _'umph.' To be perfectly honest_ , thought Shikamaru as he cracked open a lazy eye, _I'm surprised Gaara didn't kill her first_. Then again, being the leader of a village that bread the world's most annoying women had to be troublesome. Perhaps Ino just paled in comparison to what he was already used to.

Shikamaru rubbed his forehead. Apparently he would be breaching some diplomatic bullshit, or whatever, by rooming with his wife-to-be, hence the reason he wasn't laying down next to her at this very moment. What the hell? And why was he stuck with Ino? Oh, right, Chouji and he took turns.

Well, no, it wasn't really like that. Sure, he cared for Ino. She was his teammate and all. She was just being a loud nuisance right now, especially when he wanted _quiet_. For _sleeping_. He was still recovering from Temari's earlier bitching. Funny, wasn't he just thinking of how he wanted to room with Temari? Too many problems to deal with at once, genius or otherwise.

So much for a good night's sleep.

"You know, Temari says he isn't so bad once you get to know him-" _-so go bother him instead of me_ , was the part Shikamaru failed to include for his own physical well-being.

"He told me that I look _'emaciated'_ with such a cold face, and then he-he had the NERVE to suggest that I eat some fatty garbage in a restaurant full of grubby, slimy old men, and then he asked me why I'm loud and why I feel the need to touch him, as if he'd never been on a date before.

"And that's not the worst part. No no. He just kept right on insulting me in front of Naruto- _Naruto_ -and Naruto laughed at me every time Gaara said something. No matter how many times I threatened to kill him, and then-"

Shikamaru decided he didn't need, nor want to hear anymore, so he got up and left mid-rant. He couldn't remove the problem, so he decided to remove himself from it. It was to most basic form of strategy in the book.

Of course, no strategy was without flaws. Ino had followed him out, still ranting and eventually asked, "Where are you going?"

What's the best lie he could come up with in these precious five seconds he had before Ino had a cow? "To speak with Gaara about, um, stuff." _Shit_.

Well, this sucks.

"I always knew you were an honorable man, Shikamaru." Ino threw an encouraging fist up. "Go teach that tyrannical bastard not to mess with your team. I'll be rootin' for ya back in the room!"

No, this _really_ sucks.

\---

"Yes?" said Gaara, peering about the sea of work papers on his desk as Shikamaru strolled in, his pace much slower and less willing than normal. How does one go about lecturing with an insomniac who once had a demon living inside of him?

"Yo," was the best Shikamaru could come up with at the moment. According to Temari, Gaara still never slept (maybe once a month because he wasn't used to it, or something.) Because Gaara never slept, it made approaching him at quarter after one in the morning to have a friendly conversation a little less troublesome. After all, arousing a beast from slumber was about as safe as telling Chouji he's F-A-T stout.

"Is that all you came here to say?" Gaara's frozen eyes leveled to Shikamaru's tired ones. Well, it was now or never.

"Ino was complaining about you, saying some crap about what a two-faced jerk you are, or whatever. Uhh, don't, um, do it again..?"

"Ino?" Gaara tapped the butt of his pen against the kanji on his forehead a few times. "The emaciated girl with the loud voice?"

"Yeah."

Gaara rose his other hand to his cheek. Had he any eyebrows, they probably would have scrunched together in a contemplative 'V'. "She slapped me. All I did was offer to buy her and Naruto a meal."

"After commenting on her weight?"

Gaara had to think about that. The shock of receiving his very first bitch-slap had to sink in first at the time. For once, he missed Shukaku. That slap really hurt. "What difference does it make? I was trying to be polite. Temari's always telling me I need to be more polite."

"Women are troublesome. More trouble than they're worth, in fact. On one hand, they want you to be completely honest with them. On the other, that honesty better be nothing but compliments on their beauty and wonderful personality, or you know what they'll do?"

"Slap?"

"Tch, you're lucky that's _all_ she did. Ino's got the worst temper, especially when it's that-time-of-the-month."

Gaara nodded. "Temari's the same way."

"See? You get it. Hey, I think I'm actually starting to like you."

Gaara blinked. "Why? I'm not doing anything."

"Exactly." Shikamaru walked up toward the desk and gave Gaara's shoulder a pat. "Temari says I'm supposed to bond with you, or something. I thought it'd suck, given what I knew of you a few years ago, but you really aren't that bad. But I think you should apologize to Ino and give her a second chance." _Keep her the hell away from me. One woman is bad enough, thanks._

Blink. "She should apologize. She's the one who attacked."

On second thought, Gaara really didn't have enough common sense when it came to women. He probably didn't have any common sense in general. Heh, at least he was a good listener. Shikamaru was going to have to be an awesome older brother for him, possibly unlike purple make-up dude that Shikamaru would have to be 'bonding' with in the morning.

Wait, was Gaara older? Well, no matter. Shikamaru was mentally older and a hundred years smarter, and that was the part that counted.

"You see, this is how the mind of a woman works... "

\---

It was half past three by the time Shikamaru left the Kazekage's quarters, and boy was he tired. Gaara was firing off questions by the dozens. Where he found the other boy's curiosity flattering in a way, it was just such a pain to answer and explain them all after awhile. It wasn't like they wouldn't be seeing each other all the time after he and Temari got hitched, so what was the point of yammering on into ungodly hours of the night?

Oh, right, Gaara was used to it. More used to it than sleeping. Shikamaru couldn't imagine life without sleep. That would suck much royal cock. Just, _ugh_.

Speaking of sleep, he had plans to be out like a light until noon, and if anyone had a problem with that, especially Her Royal Highness, well, he really didn't give a damn. Sleeping was his first love, clouds were his second. Temari was his distant third, he supposed.

He caught the lady of the hour standing in his doorway, though, half-asleep with her arms crossed. Well, there goes more precious time he could spend sleeping. Why was this woman such a bother?

"I saw you walk into Gaara's room. What did you guys talk about?" she asked. Geez, he was so sick of answering questions. Did sleep not exist in Suna? It had better, because if it didn't, he may have to reconsider this engagement.

"Stuff," he answered. Had he said, _'Listing the hundreds of ways you women are all so troublesome'_ she might have sent his body flying all the way back to Konoha via fan swing. Hey, at least they slept in Konoha.

"Come on," she said, pushing herself from the door and heading down the hall. She expected him to follow? She expected him to walk right past the bed he was longing to sleep in? What. The. _Hell_.

"Where are we going?" The real question was _'why am I wasting more precious time I could spend sleeping on you?'_ but the answer to that would be bloody, painful, and possibly dickless.

Oh God, she would.

_Why do I love her again?_

"My room, to sleep. They do sleep in Konoha, don't they?"

_Oh, shut up._

"Weren't you the one that said I wasn't allowed to-"

"I lied because I was pissed off at you. Get over it."

_Bitch._

But one bed was just as good as any. One bed with a gorgeous woman was even better. A bed with said gorgeous woman who'd sleep until noon with him? Why, he couldn't think of anything he'd like more.

Never mind, she was the woman of his dreams again.

"But first, you're going to tell me what you and Gaara were discussing. Surely the two of you were hitting it off. You were in there for over two hours."

Then again, maybe not.

E N D


End file.
